Disclaimer: Herein lies extreme themes that can be triggering and/or upsetting to some, please proceed with caution; you have been warned.
Function: Worst Case Scenarios (WCS) are designed to directly target an obsession and attack it by catastrophizing the fear to the extreme by entering the pit of despair. This works by isolating the obsession and making it devolve dramatically without imbedding reassurances.
Source: The “fear of acting out” is very real and these imaginal exposures can be extremely effective; to learn more from a great source explaining why, click here!
Exposure: Read this to yourself and imagine it is you, immerse yourself in the catastrophe. Do not reassure yourself! Do not seek relief! Allow your fear and anxiety to fill to the brim… do not respond; however, do your best to observe objectively. Feel the feels and ride the wave. This is you! This… is your worst case scenario!
I stopped reading for a day. Just one day, and now I have also stopped cleaning because I stopped making lists; I am spiraling. Days have quickly turned into a week which has now turned into weeks; fuck, now it’s a month… months? I have no appetite and I barely eat anymore. I am afraid to sleep, so I work to avoid sleeping until exhaustion takes hold and I crash. I work on nothing and everything all at once. Useless. What day is it? I feel nothing. This OCD is a lie! I am a lie!! Reality is slipping and I am prepared to snap. Break. One of many. Never. Yes, many. I knew I was schizophrenic all along! I am catatonic, not paralyzed by fear… these thoughts are not intrusive, they are voices… any moment the hallucinations will start! There is no comorbidity, I have no OCD as I am just crazy. I am morbid… a danger, a lie, a psychopath! manic Panic MANIAC! I am no poet, I am just good at hiding my word-salads… a master of clang associations. Schizophrenia has consumed me. The eagle is watching and the wolves are ready to pounce; the sharks are circling. I am a master of my own destiny who’s lost his way. I AM A GOD, but a God no more. I HAVE LOST IT! No one knows and no one cares. I am alone. We are all alone. We are nothing. Nothing is everything.
It started when I stopped reading, feeding birds is boring, roaring water sounds like a lion, eye on the government’s vantage points, joints in my body ache, break the cycle, Michael is a common name, blame no one, done undone run!
Fuck, what is happening? It’s all over! What is real? Nothing! I am empty. Dead inside, I can’t hide. Is my dog growling or whimpering? I can’t tell… clearly my dog is trying to kill me… so I gut her like a pig. She was a wolf! No relief comes from her death, and the voices don’t stop! My family runs in after the commotion, I am covered in blood… my family holds each other, petrified with fear. Kill them! Are they wolves too? I can’t tell so I run!
I can no longer stand, hand over fist, resist these deafening voices, choices I have not, plot thickens like a good book, look at the river from the bridge, fridge’s should be white, right night flight… yes, I can fly!
“Don’t jump!” Someone yells… it must be the eagle! The eagle is watching!
“But I can fly!” I proclaim.
“No, please!” Wait, that’s no eagle! It’s a shark, for I am the eagle! I AM A GOD!
The wolves are coming as I can hear their sirens, everyone is watching to see if I’ll jump… all of them are sharks! They smell blood and they are circling!
I pull the knife out of my pocket and start aiming for throats… these sharks will die before these wolves get me… I am my own master! I AM A GOD! I AM THE EAGLE!
A wolf pounced on me from behind and cracked my face into the cold cement! A sharp pain radiates from my side. Blood oozes. The wolf growls. My knife sinks hilt deep as the wolf wrestles me. Weight on my throat, everything goes black…
I wake in a psych ward, sedated and restrained. Again? For the first time? This is a bad dream! I am an eagle. How long have I been here? What day is it? Months? Years?
Someone enters the room, gloom is the way the clouds shape, rape is something of power, a shower without doors is odd, cod would taste good about now, how does the moon reflect the sun, done undone run!
I can’t run. Trapped. A wolf has walked in licking his lips. The wolf sits and looks at me. “Sir, do you know where you are?” he asks me while hiding behind his spectacles and notebook.
“I am finally where I belong” I respond coldly “I am a God and this is my home.”
“Are you the eagle?”
“Of course, why else would you clip my wings?” Stupid wolf with his stupid wolf questions!
The wolf stares blankly “To keep you grounded?”
“Yes, in my cage… here, in my home.”
The wolf sighs with disappointment, “you are indeed home” and the wolf walks out.
I ruined everything. My Mother killed herself from the shame I imbued her with, and my family is no more. Gone. To them and to everyone I am dead. A fallen God. The dark eagle. Like Icarus falling from the sky. All of my therapists were fired for their gross misdiagnosis; negligence… their lives have been ruined. Good lives shattered. I am evil. The blood eagle. What I cared for has crumbled. All is lost. I, the God abandoned; forsaken. In here I can’t kill myself nor anyone else, as the wolves in their white coats have me; chained! I mean nothing to no one. Forgotten. I am alone, forever!