Fuck! Where have I been? Surviving! That’s where I’ve been… I’ve been surviving! Look, here’s the skinny, on November 1st, I boldly asked life for the following:
“What’s next? A value driven life full of suffering and joy, successes and failures, sorrow and happiness, abundance and scarcity, and everything else in between; whatever life has to throw at me, give me it all, I am ready!”
Life brought it!!!
My marriage? Over! My career? FUBAR!! My security and stability? Unknown!!! Suffering? Loads! Joy? Some. Successes? Not many. Failures? In honor of my good friend Danny perhaps my name should be changed to Paul Failure! Sorrow? Plenty! Happiness? Next to none! Abundance? Meh. Scarcity? I dunno. However, my attitude? Intact and ready for action!!!!
Wait! What? Your attitude is intact and ready for action!?
Damn straight! I have my beautiful daughters, I have clarity, I have support, I have goals, I have hope, and most of all I have GRATITUDE!
It’s not necessarily that I am thankful for the hardships I am going through, I am thankful for the opportunity to endure… to test my mettle! Look, I am currently living in a personal “Worst Case Scenario”, buuuuut what has happened is out of my control and what will happen is in my control. I have watched many major things in my life crumble the past handful of months… nay, the past handful of YEARS! I accept that, for the most part, I never even stood a snowball’s chance in hell with any of it. Yet, I persist. It’s all a learning experience, and I am and will be better because of all of it!
Honestly, if I wrote down all of what I have endured you probably wouldn’t believe me… that’s for another time perhaps, and that’s not the point of why I am writing… I’m not seeking reassurance. I’m not seeking a pick-me-up. I’m not seeking any of that… the point is that EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY! The good. The bad. The Ugly. It’s all a moment and then the moment is gone. One must ALWAYS endure irrespective of the odds. One must be resilient. One must return, eternally. One must test their fortitude and grit when they are at their weakest to show how strong they truly are and can be. Be tenacious. I choose not to lose myself even though I have had the opportunity and the desire… instead, I choose to be grateful!
The best thing that could have happen to me did! Right after my treatment ended, life threw the biggest curve ball… everything completely fell apart, and I was thrust into crisis! I was discharged with relapse prevention tools and was immediately forced to use them. Wow! What a blessing and what an opportunity! I didn’t have to wait until I was out of practice, instead I was abruptly tasked with the worst and tested to the max. Thank you, life! Now, promptly fuck off because you won’t bring me down!
“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”
– Leo Tolstoy